[Stories & Tips]

I have no idea why the hell I would ever want to see a sex show but thanks to me we found ourselves in from of The Moulin Rouge, paying 35 euros to see live people have sex. The bouncer told us that we could not bring our drinks in; free drinks were included with the ticket. So I downed my cider. We went in and sat in the second row and watched as one of the prostitutes peeled a banana with her ladyparts. Then I got myself a rum and coke from the bar. When I came back the woman was pulling and endless ribbon out of her vagina. I just sat there totally stupefied until my high hit me. Like a truck. One minute I was marveling at how this lady was a human container and the next minute I was staring up at the ceiling, which was walking away from me. My friend pulled me back upright and I started giggling. The giggling turned into uncontrollable laughter and with tears streaming down my face I managed to gasp, “DON’T…. SAY…. ANYTHING…. FUNNY…. EVER…. AGAIN!” My friend rolled her eyes at me. Then the wall told me to be quiet, because I was bothering the people around us. I dutifully shut up and watched the sex show. But the beginning acts had just ended. All of a sudden a man came onstage and STARTED HAVING SEX WITH THIS WOMAN! RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! MIND. BLOWN. Someone was screaming. I thought it was the woman, but she seemed like she was enjoying herself so that didn’t make sense. I felt someone pull me up from my seat and I was being steered towards the exit by my friend, while everyone in the bar was staring at me. Because, as it turns out, I was the one that was screaming.

The next part I don’t remember. I only found out about it three months later, when my friend and I were reminiscing about that night. Apparently I was wandering around the streets yelling “I’M SO HUNGRY” so my friend took me for food. While I was waiting for my order I kept complaining to my friend that the food was taking forever (it came in about five minutes). I kept eyeing the couple next to me who were eating French fries. While she had her back turned to me to grab napkins, I started eating their French fries with them. My horrified friend steered me away from the traumatized couple and fed me my very own burger. She then got me back to our hostel—which had a rule: No drinking or drugs, or you’re kicked out no matter what the hour. After my friend pleaded with me to be normal we walked in the door, I speed walked to my bed and passed out face first. The next morning I apologized profusely to the best traveling friend ever.
And that is why, kids, sex shows are my anti-drug.